Athena Tan

Just five minutes ago, I was thinking of how to answer to an artist friend (who I greatly respect, by the way! Her work can be found here).

The month of June brings a crazy number of things that I need to do regarding the production of Issue 5: AMO, ARMOUR for Carpe Bloom. We’re embarking on a collaboration with this lovely artist. We met, and I followed up.

She texted me asking if she could share the process of her sketches on her social media platforms, and tag us.

My first instinct was to say no. It isn’t because of the quality of her work. It’s simply because the thought that my mind was entertaining was this:

We need to show the best to our readers. I want to drum up the anticipation for the art pieces from the collaboration, by not revealing it until the release of the issue. I think it would be better to ensure that readers see the finalized product before the in-progress visuals.

I typed and re-typed my response to my artist. I did not get far because I changed my mind. What’s so bad about showing people the works-in-progress of even the most special and anticipated pieces? Why shouldn’t we shed light on the behind the scenes of the final product?

Why not encourage people to show their works-in-progress, and garner encouragement along the way to strive for produce the best piece they can?

I re-typed my message and said that it was okay! It would be wonderful! Let’s capture these moments!

I am not okay. As in, as a human being attempting to function right now, I am not okay. I’ve Tweeted about being a mess this week, and I mean it. I am not okay. I am recovering from some adverse emotional occurrences, and I am in the process of accepting that to heal does not equal to ‘moving on as fast as possible’.

I am a  work-in-progress. The whole reason why I told my artist that it was okay was because I am not okay; because currently, I am the opposite of fine and put-together, but I am trying my very best to work towards a point in time where I can be sitting upright and feel like my heart is not going to break at any second. I want to return to the position where I am seated comfortably on a bean chair and shrouded in sunlight, not darkness. Basically, I hope to climb out of this little, too-comfortable period of sadness that is slowly sapping the life out of me.

But I want to show that, y’know? I want to show that we’re  all work-in-progresses because we’re all human. Hence, it is perfectly acceptable to be healing, and it is more than acceptable to capture these moments of healing for yourself to

a) feel proud of yourself when you look back later on,

b) celebrate little successes in your journey,

c) motivate & inspire others to do the same,

d) assure others in their own dark times, that they can move the rock blocking out light from their way.

It’s past midnight now. It’s around now when I start to feel the demons in my head get a grip on my skull and attempt to turn me over, upside down, make me feel like I want to hurl. I’m documenting this here because I’m proud to be able to even acknowledge that this is happening.

I can do this. You can, too. All of us are works-in-progresses and it doesn’t hurt to step back and look at these behind-the-scenes-visuals of yourself in recovery.

This post has nothing to do with The Great Wall of China; my aunt took the featured image during her travels there and I found myself gaining peace looking at it.